There are a lot of things I just don’t understand. I mean, I will admit most of the times I casually feign understanding in the auditorium of lesson giving, if only to appear as if I know the answer or the theme in which the question is being phrased. But often times, I am merely a child, and my concept of whether front is forward and back is hindward is but a mirror reflection of direction…and not course.
I think I try too hard, too earnestly to put myself inside the shoes of others–to ponder why their decisions are sound, whereas my own are just puffs of air. I value friendships, the connective-bind that holds one force to another, and does not waver. I myself have devalued friendships overtime, swept up in my own self-purposeful( or purposeless) ego. I use to have friends in college, a bunch of cool guys. Now that I am allowed to reflect on then and now, I would redefine them as acquaintances with the “possibility” of being more.(But that’s sort of soured now). I still talk to one of them;the remaining three having flung themselves greatly into their life choices and tasks. I wish them well; because in my heart, at the end of my breathless rant of “not understanding why they( two of the four friends mind you) behave this way or that” I want them to seek happiness. I want them to share happiness, and blossom it toward others.
Carmela told me about her sermon this morning; how it pinned her ears and heart open with optimism, wonderment, and reflection. I do enjoy listening to her pour forth wisdom( as most women do) regarding faith, bound-regard, and purpose. She has a beautiful purpose, and one that I feel I will malign–ever so, that I belt myself from accepting this fact as ritual instead of infrequent–if she continues to speak to me.
I want the best for her, as I do for my now old acquaintances. Though I don’t understand what motivates them so thrustfully, I do understand the love and energy they pour into their lives, their tasks, to be pure. I can’t scorn people for that.
I forgive myself for being selfish and ignorant. I forgive myself, for at the end of the day, right now here, he has forgiven me–so I will trust in that this is enough to make him happy.